Almost coming out

Erm...have to tell the long story about how it lead to that coming out case happened. Well, I just write in short, had a quarrel with my mum, then confessed I had a suicide thought before. Ya..suicide thought..I really had it because raising in semi-conservative family (anti-gay mother) and the pressure of social norm, when I realized I have affection toward guys in teenage year. I really freaked out, no one can talk with, no one I dare to trust, no one tell or guide me what to do.

That time, I really hope I didn't exist in the world, because I was so scare would bring shame to my family. To escape the thought, I addicted to porn ...wrong way to try avoid the acceptance. Even I was watching gay porn, I still didn't think I'm gay. So conflicted...still thinking to find a girlfriend and deny all the feeling I have. After a few years, found some blogs, only realized I was not all alone, then I truly started accept myself. Thank you the guy who created blog..to allow people to share their stories =)

Opps...Back to topic, was having lunch with my mum. Then, my mum suddenly ask...

Mum: Were you angry with me as I was quite strict during your primary years? Like punished you not doing homework..etc.

Me: No! Why?

Mum: Cause..you know you have confessed you had the.....thought.

Me: Oh!! Erm....(Could feel my heart stop beating...the thought "should I come out" pop out in my mind) Of course not because of that..there were some reasons......

Mum: Why were the reasons??

Me: ..........nothing. It's the past already. So mum how's... (I still not ready to come out, so faster jumpr to other topic.)

Everyone has different definition of right timing to coming out to parents. To me, I don't think I can do that so fast, even though I wish to do it. A lot of things need to take into consideration. Hard homework for every homosexual I think.