I almost forgot there is one person in the world or real life know I'm gay. My old BROTHER..erm..he can consider know it but not really. Why? This happened in my teenage year, one day he found out I watched gay porn and there was the time I didn't know clear history. Now, no one can find out excepy hacker. I didn't know it first until he fetching to go tuition and out of sudden...
He: Are you gay?
Me: (Totally in shock and silent for a moment) Why are you asking that?
He: I found out you watched gay porn.
Me: ...(spontenously) ..but I also have same feeling for girl too.
He: Then, you are Bi!!
After that, we never ever have discusssed this issue again in so many years. Not sure he got tell my another brother, but hr definitely didn't tell my parents. Why I suddenly bringing this up? Few days ago, talking about the course I'm studying, he suddenly said.."You know, only those with mental illness only take that course." I suddenly felt like something bang my mind, he is indirectly talking about my dark secret. He is a conservative person and like older generation..think gay is a illness and psychological problem. That sentence he said is still causing my heart bleed.
He think I'm a mental sick person..and I don't have the courage to open up the topic with him after I pretended he know nothing about my identity in so many years. Frankly speaking, I feel so hurt, my family member think that way, and I know my mom sure has the same stereotypes with him. Knowing my mom for more than 20 years..she 100% anti-gay. One word to describe how she think about homosexuality...DISGUST. That's why I have a plan like go oversea study and stay there to start new life, but I know it's quite hard. I always the good boy to my mom..really not sure she can accept it or not. She is very high conservative person and not willing to accept other people opinion easily.
SIGH...luckily I quite sure my dad and another brother quite open-minded. That give me strength to live on with my life because FAMILY is very important in my life.
I know what you mean.. but honestly.. Isn't being gay only a small part of who you are? To me it doesn't define who you are completely at all! Try making them see that? Tsk for not clearing your history! haha
ReplyDeleteExactly. I still her good boy forever, and being gay couldn't not change that. I should start search for more sources to use and get prepare well when coming out to my mom...
DeleteHahahaha..Now I set auto clear history once I close the window..;)