Damn you!! Loneliness

Everytime when I'm driving at night, there are always a lot thoughts go through my mind. Like imagine what will happen if I got a boyfriend and how I wish I can go to his place to just vent out all my tiredness and lean on his shoulder or any part of the body ; ). Even just imagination I also feel the happiness of it but well I guess I'm not that fast to get a bf or can I say no one want me for my current condition.

Not dare to just donwload Grindr or Jackd to just see whether I'm presentable or wantable in market..haha. Well the loneliness really drive me crazy especially seeing so many lovely gay couples walking around and by the way I met the hot guy that I have been stalking in FB, although quite different from photos but still hot. Not sure the guy with him is friend or bf, yet he is also hot. Hot guy always go with hot guy. Chances for me I think is very lower as no one really say I'm handsome before even my mom only said it once when I took off my glasses. (Seriously, I'm have been more than 14 years don't know how I look without glasses)

I'm keep telling myself to be rational because don't just simply find someone due to loneliness. In the end, it might hurt each other. That's why I going through transition (settle my skin problem and my skinny body) and preparing to really enter the gay world. Until now I still worry and paranoid a lot because scare my family and friends will find out, that pull me backward. Hence, my relationship experience is totally zero so don't even talk about sex. I also not surprise people around me don't really suspect me being gay because  never have girlfriend since I'm quite nerdy and homebody to them.  

Luckily, I can blog about all this thought and feelings out and like I said before I blog just to make myself feel better don't mind no one read it.  I also can comment on my favourite blogs to give me sort of spiritual support that I'm not really lonely. I'm glad I accepted who I am even though it's quite late compare to others.

Meaningful words from Kid on Gay rights

Recently, I have read a news about a boy aged 12 has written a letter to dear Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney. The letter consisted a powerful and meaningful thought from a kid without 'fully polluted' from our society on health and gay rights. He wrote:

        "Dear Governor Romney, I’d like to say congratulations on winning the Republican nomination.But, I wish you stayed in Massachusetts. Your plan for America isn’t what we need, and wouldn’t hurt us more than it would help.Your domestic plans (birth control, gay rights etc) are horrible! Women should get to manage their own health, and if you wonder why you’re not appealing to many women voters, rethink your birth control and women’s rights plans. And people should be able to marry whoever they want. We built this country so people could have freedom, and not have religious beliefs control them to that length (This is my favourite line)."

Source for it



 

Well, some people may say the child still don't know what is right and wrong, so he can't make judment without any considertion from society or whatever. I just fascinated from the kid has that kind of thought. See, young children always can see thing without any stereotype and prejudice compare to adults. Many discoveries and theories from famous psychologists were inspired from their children. This is because adults always have a lot of burdens and mindset that stop them to view the world clearly.

 

I always wonder is there human instinct to hate those abnormal phenomena or just society shaped us to have that kind of mindset and stereotype. What is unnatural thing to people, is really unnatural or just majority people dislike it, so they label it as unnatural and should be prohibited.

 

Common question that annoys GAY or me -.-

Have been busy for so many things, not sure I really still want to continue my part-time job and study at the same time. I think I can handle or force myself to adapt as to improve my bad time management. Always listen those students who go oversea study will study while having part-time job, since I planning to go study abroad so I shall start get use to it. However, I'm so scare can't handle my grade well.

Anyways, back to my tittle, I went to few gathering and the 'famous' question sure popped up - "Where is your girlfriend?" or "When are you get a girlfriend?" Normally, I just smile and say still finding because I really not sure what to say. Inside my heart may scream boyfriend not girlfriend becuase I'm gay. Well, one of the gathering got one friend said "Maybe not girlfriend, is boyfriend" With my good control of facial expression, I just smile only and then let it slowly change topic.

I bet some of my friends sort of suspect about me because I have never told them about love life and any stories about crushes. I only once misleaded my friends about I had feeling for one girl and then the girl got boyfriend, they all soft of indirectly came to comfort me and asked me to move on. Oh well, I still quite close with that girl until now, so they may think I still haven't moved on after many years. Not sure is a good thing or bad thing.

Got one time, hanging out with college friends, they somehow went to topic about coming out and then they asked me when am I going to come out from closet jokingly. Without hesistate, I said coming out soon, (That was the time I truly accepted who I am), they felt shock for a while then laugh out loud cause thought I was joking too. Hmm..I also not sure when I am going to come out since I still haven't really stepped into gay world yet.

Time has changed

From the previous post, I said about all men always put the physical attractiveness in first place when searching for partner. However, today I read a research that has been done in UK and Europe showed that now things has changed in both gender's preferences for lover.

Now guys prefer women have higher intelligence or smarter rather than got nice appearance (especially boobs ; p), they don't want their partners are beauty but dumb or not that smart. While ladies on the other hand prefer men to be good looking and hot rather than rich because now most women can earn even more money than men. This gives a big punch to us because the preferences for mate totally swapped from both genders.

Then, I think about would there also a change in gay, but I think is still the same gays totally fall under the same situation with women now. Can be independet and earn enough money so they prefer good looking and hot bod guys rather than other stuff. Nonetheless, I think there still have hope and chance to be different. Maybe the researchers should use homosexual couples as participants to see got any changes in them or not. You will never know what will happen in the future. Now I just hope homosexual can be accepted publicly, then I think the sort of dark side of gay world would become better..because I believe why gay men are so unstable in term of relationship status..the world acceptance may play one of the important roles for it.

Judgement from Human and Gay?

We always judge book by its cover, no matter how rational we are, we still will fall to this trick. That's why people always say first impression is very important in many circumtances because you have to impress a person by showing the best side of you. Not everyone has the chance to let people to understand you when you have given them a bad impression because it takes time to clear the stereotype and misunderstanding.

I found gay or all men mostly are visual hunters as you find a target looks hot and tasty then only take further action. It's seldom for gay to look at inner beauty first, I know not just gay do that but I think gay are highly focus on physical attractiveness ad palce it at first place. That's why most gay who don't have gorgeous looks like go to build up their body because they know if not do so you have a chance being out of market. Sometimes find out so cruel in gay world but well I think it's the reality by now. Maybe I am wrong since I still haven't really explored the gay world very well, but I do believe there is situation like this.

In gay, both partners are men and not like straight relationship, females normally don't care about the look when you got money or rich (No offence for ladies). Many researches have found men are definitely visual animal when finding their partners that's it becomes a bit sad for gay men to find the partner because most of us tend to look for physical appearances first only to willing to get to know that person better.

Found this quite suit for my topic

Pain seeker or adventurist

Not sure what a proper term to describe this phenomena, but just what I realise about many people like to go for things that may hurt themselves or pull them to suffering. Knowing that person is not suit for you yet some people want to give in to everything because..I guess try their luck or think that love can change everything. Well, I do believe love can change many things but definitely not something that not meant to you. I guess this is kind of human nature about trying many potential thing even though there are risks that can be foreseen.

Little example from myself, I can really take spicy food but I still want to those super spicy food when it taste very good in the same time. It's very quite suffering to finish it yet I still want to keep eat it again and again. I not sure got out of topic but I can say that love is bittersweet while bitter is sometimes more than sweet, but people still can't get out of it and willing surrender to it no matter what.

I think if there is a scale or value for love, it's quite hard to measure and define a proper result for love. Love is really play larger part in most people's life because it's not just love of soulmate but more than that. It's lifetime lesson to learn and understand about love..I guess.

Standards and Requirements for Lover?

I always dreaming of what and how my future beloved will be with all the standards and requirements I want for. However, in real life we normally don't end up what we have set in the first place for lover. From my observations, many couples (all straight since my gay circle is zero) always being in relationships with that person who kind of opposite what they wanted. For example, one girl I know in her list of requirement..he must be non-smoker, non-drinker, tall, older than her..guess what? she ended up with a guy who is a smoker, drinker, short, and younger than her. Well, maybe there are other things that attracted her, so I can't really judge it based from one side of observation since they still a lovely couple now.

Some cases (mostly the girlfriends are my friends..well I have a lot of female friends compared to male -.-) I have met also kind of same with the case above, I just curious how they ended up together and what really attracted them from both parties. Love in first sight? Erm..not really fan of it but still believe it exists. Or else I can say those people make the girls changed their mind set or perspective about the standards and requirements.

Then, I can conclude that all those standarda and blah blah blah are nothing when you really love a person very much. For gay, I think we mostly are visual hunters so it may becomes a extra point or booster when he is good looking and got hot body. Yet I still believe there is a long term relationship or being together forever in gay relationship. I won't give up even I'm the only one left to believe it. =)

Sacrifice and Love

I always wondering what is the most reliable thing to prove you truly love a person, maybe like those pathetic drama where willing to sacrifice yourself to save your love one. I really have a deep thought about it whether I willing to sacrifice my life to save my beloved in such situation. To me, it is not impossible to happen because you can find parents always willing to sacrifice themselves to save their children in dangerous or emargency situation. You can call it love or scientificly..instinct?

I do believe when you really in love with a person (but not blindly loving), you willing to do anything to protect him from danger. However, not the case you will do anything to get him love you. Then also come to the case that even he does not love you, you still willing to sacrifice? We sure watch a lot of movie or drama got such scene when the one being friendzoned still willing to do anything for his or her love one even there is no reciprocal love.

Up to this point, I have my own view that if let me choose I will become the one who survive because the one who still survive will have the pain and memories that can't never get rid of and bring them along throughout his or her life. No matter you move on or not, the pain or scar still there and be with you until you sleep in coffin. Then, it's kind of another way to show you truly love him because you don't want him to leave painful and suffering for entire life. I know it sounds selfish, but of course it only happens when both of you willing sacrifice for each other, not that I will force my love one to sacrifice if he does not want.

Also, I have to point out that not willing to sacrifice doesn't mean he doesn't love you, just that not everyone put lover at first place because you have to think about family and other things.