As I said before, I still not sure how I really feel for Alvin, and need some times to figure out. He also knew all of these. (Going to be long post...so..ya)
One of my friends who is quite close with me, noticed something has bothering me, so wanted to know anything happen to me and she willing to listen. I couldn't tahan anymore so I spilted out everything that bothering me...how I feel..my normal responses.etc
S: OMG!!! Shin Yong!! You actually don't like her!! (haven't come out to her so...I said is a girl =.=)
Me: What makes you said so??
S: You see..from all the things you told me, I can confirm you doesn't like her as partner more like just friend only and....
Me: ......go on.
S: From my opinion, you just got into the relationship for the sake of want be in relationship, you did it is not because you like her. You keep saying there are problems between both of you and need times blah blah blah (she really did say blah with high pitch)...are non-sense!! If you really like her every problem is not a problem and that's no little like or like very much..like is like. Like very much is love already. You just finding excuses to avoid something you don't want to face.
Me: Maybe deep down my heart I like her? I treid aviod what?
S: From all the things you told me...to be honest, I really don't think you like her, maybe got some but it's for normal people like stranger you just met and that kind of feeling regardless of gender. What you want to avoid? Seriously?? You sure know it..you want me to say it??
Me: Just say it!
S: Denyingyou did the wrong move and you going to break her heart badly. You don't want be the bad guy or scare of being that. I know you...you just don't want face the feelings of guilt.
Me; (My eyes almost full of tear but I controlled) .....what can I do? I feel like I'm a jerk now.
S: Go back home and really think about it. You sure what to do and of course you are not a jerk. Jerk won't feel bad and guilty. I know you gonna feel so horrible in next few days. Please talk to me when you can't control or whatever!! Sometimes there are things that we cant control so...don't hurt yourself okay?
Me: Okay. Thank you so much. Means a lot.
(S saidnothing and just hugged me for a while)
I went back home and think about it whole night. At one point, suddenly everything became so clear and I couldn't stop crying. Crying for what I have done...crying for did something stupid...crying for me who I also can't forgive..crying for gonna break someone's heart. Swear to God, I writing these is not because I want somebody pity or say something make me feel better.
I really felt all of these.......I just.........couldn't stop crying...