It's a complicated feeling when you know some of your friends are pro gay yet you still don't have the courage come out to them. I think because I also not sure others are anti or neutral in that issue or not. Quite hard for me to come with those pro gay friends and keep secret from the rest as we are in one close gang. Not that I don't trust those friends to keep my secret since I'm not ready to come out publicly, just that keeping this big secret from others will be hard to them because have to handle both mine and others' feelings. I know how hard it is to keep a secret without telling your close friends, because I'm experiencing now.
Did anyone have suspected my sexual identity before? I guess not really, they just think I'm a nerdy and kind of anti-social person., that's why no girlfriend at all. By looking amout of my FB friends, then you can know why they think that way. One case they wanted to add someone I know, I just said go to my profile's friend list to search was easier because I don't have so many friends in there. They looked me in a pity way...lol. Moreover, I don't look how they think GAY should be like. As you know, there many stereotypes about us, so my image just don't really fit into that stereotypes. Although I still have some feminine sides, straight guys also can have those and is accpetable for youngter now.
Anyways, I'm still thinking whether I should come out to my friends. Seriously, I really scare lose the friendship when all of them know it. If jsut come out to pro gay friends...I also feel bad not to tell the rest about it. I know I have this thought maybe I feel so alone to struggle about who I am. Luckily, I found some blogs and started to blog, so I don't really feel so stress. Keeping everything inside my mind is very torturing to me. Plus, no gay friends to seek advice, so...ya..just lost in the middle of desert. In US, coming out got three stages - with friends first, family, then society. However, this does not really apply for collectivism culture like us, because we all link to together..
SIGH...Try to hold my tear and go to sleep now.
Sunday, 14 October 2012
Tuesday, 9 October 2012
Gay signal and Cruising at Gym. Finally?
First of all, talking my blog's view slightly increased a bit which from the post talking about my new crush. Human are really visual creature as I put some hot (to me is hot) pictures. Well, I don't expect anyone will read my blog cause I just want to write anything out about gay stuff so I will not go nuts when keeping and hiding inside my mind.
Anyways, back the topic, recently I went to gym and something weird happened in locker room. I was finished work out and went to my locker to get ready to take shower. Being there for awhile, I was not shy anymore to just take off my clothes and pants off, but of course took off my underwear with wrapping towel around me. It might be normal, but seriously I felt quite shy in the first time to take off my clothes and pants publicly.
Okay, straight to gist, there is a guy..have seen him for few times..very fast took off his clothes and pants when he saw me preparing to shower..not sure I was overthinking it or what..he took off his undies without towel cover him and I faster avoid the contact with him because I was quite nervous. Then, I went inside my shower cubicle..HERE is the thing..he straight away followed me and went inside the cubicle beside me. I was like...there were so many empty cubicles there as it's not peak hour..and normally people will avoid go cubicle got people beside them becasue the cubicles are not fully cover as like some toilet you can squat down and spy on the person beside you and the water will splash to you from other side.
Many things went through my mind and I kept telling myself there is just conincidence and I was too sensitive. However, he was like totally lean on my cubicle's wall, but the cubicle not that small..our wall can consider semi-trasnparent so I could the shape of his butt...lol. Plus, his foot crossed to my area as again I don't think the cubicle is that small for him to stand towards my side so close..(can fit two persons). I became quite nervous and thought that was this a signal or what?
Anyways, with zero experience about gay life so don't even talk about cruising. I faster finished my shower and went back to my locker. He also faster went out after that and normally we changed to another clothes instead of our smelly clothes, but he wore back his clothes beofore shower and left the locker room before me. I tried not to blatantly stare at him because I afraid of any misunderstanding or whatever. Tried to search for him, but he just disappeared.
He is not bad as got nice chest and quite visible abs, just shorter than me and in the age around 30? but overall is good as a target..hahaha. I have no idea about it, maybe I just overthought since have been reading all those cruising at gym stuff from many bloggers...LOL. Sorry to that guy if I misunderstood him.
Well, I have no gay friend or any sources to give me advice so I just let it go. Next time, don't know will encounter the real one or not, don't think it will happen to me...hohohoh,,,but I also don't know how to handle if it happen.
Anyways, back the topic, recently I went to gym and something weird happened in locker room. I was finished work out and went to my locker to get ready to take shower. Being there for awhile, I was not shy anymore to just take off my clothes and pants off, but of course took off my underwear with wrapping towel around me. It might be normal, but seriously I felt quite shy in the first time to take off my clothes and pants publicly.
Okay, straight to gist, there is a guy..have seen him for few times..very fast took off his clothes and pants when he saw me preparing to shower..not sure I was overthinking it or what..he took off his undies without towel cover him and I faster avoid the contact with him because I was quite nervous. Then, I went inside my shower cubicle..HERE is the thing..he straight away followed me and went inside the cubicle beside me. I was like...there were so many empty cubicles there as it's not peak hour..and normally people will avoid go cubicle got people beside them becasue the cubicles are not fully cover as like some toilet you can squat down and spy on the person beside you and the water will splash to you from other side.
Many things went through my mind and I kept telling myself there is just conincidence and I was too sensitive. However, he was like totally lean on my cubicle's wall, but the cubicle not that small..our wall can consider semi-trasnparent so I could the shape of his butt...lol. Plus, his foot crossed to my area as again I don't think the cubicle is that small for him to stand towards my side so close..(can fit two persons). I became quite nervous and thought that was this a signal or what?
Anyways, with zero experience about gay life so don't even talk about cruising. I faster finished my shower and went back to my locker. He also faster went out after that and normally we changed to another clothes instead of our smelly clothes, but he wore back his clothes beofore shower and left the locker room before me. I tried not to blatantly stare at him because I afraid of any misunderstanding or whatever. Tried to search for him, but he just disappeared.
He is not bad as got nice chest and quite visible abs, just shorter than me and in the age around 30? but overall is good as a target..hahaha. I have no idea about it, maybe I just overthought since have been reading all those cruising at gym stuff from many bloggers...LOL. Sorry to that guy if I misunderstood him.
Well, I have no gay friend or any sources to give me advice so I just let it go. Next time, don't know will encounter the real one or not, don't think it will happen to me...hohohoh,,,but I also don't know how to handle if it happen.
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| That obvious signal..LOl |
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| His body around this but fater and the face of course older |
Sunday, 7 October 2012
Skinny Muscular
I always wondering whether skinny muscular still got market in gay circle or not. I know the more muscular and macho, the more we eager to have and be like that. Well for me I'm like many gays love muscular and macho men, I think there is the reason some gays may fall in love with straight men because of their macho-ness or manliness. For myself, I'm trying to become more muscular as I can (I'm really skinny before like literally) to expand my market..soft of..lol. If you don't have the good looking face then the urge is more serious. People might say just be yourself, but I think there is also some responsible to keep yourself look good...especially in gay world, but of course don't ever let forget keep inner side look good too because it follows until death while looks not. Although not like go for plastic surgery, but I'm not against it too.
Actually, what is the definition of skinny muscular I also not sure. People have different idea and judment about it. Found some pictures that fit my concept about skinny muscular.
Actually, what is the definition of skinny muscular I also not sure. People have different idea and judment about it. Found some pictures that fit my concept about skinny muscular.
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My current target is this!!       |
Friday, 5 October 2012
Misunderstading about Gay Part 2
Continue with last post, I talked about same issues at Taiwan from a variety show. That show talked about serious thing like coming out to parents and the stress with both parties. Now, the second show is quite funny in a way, while showing the wild side of gay life in Taiwan. Don't know wy I think this will makes other people think gay life in a bad way. Here is the video Wild gay life.
This show invited three gays and three lesbians to talk about the homosexual world and night life (they focus on this more). The show's crew used spy cam to have a look how gay night clubs or pubs look like. Serioudly, my eyes widen O.O when they once entered into the place. One word for it..Wild. Don't know whether at Malaysia also the same situation..well ya I haven't been any club before even normal club so don't say about gay bar or club. Don't doubt..I already in legal age to enter any of them. Well..always a good boy infront of people.
Interesting I found was that..gays in Taiwan got categories in gay circle - Monkey, Bear and Wolf. I think is quite similar how we distinguish gays by look at here. See the name you can guess how they categorize them. Each category got few levels too. Obviously, I fall under monkey but not that low level..quite high..lol. Wolf of course is every dream for being that and being with. I guess werewolf is the highest level where everyone will drool for him.. according to them little mustache will be perfect. To me i just want transit young wolf that's all. For bear..erm..you can guess how they look like and surprisingly one of the young wolf in the show love bear..well I can't really judge that since everyone's preference is different.
This show invited three gays and three lesbians to talk about the homosexual world and night life (they focus on this more). The show's crew used spy cam to have a look how gay night clubs or pubs look like. Serioudly, my eyes widen O.O when they once entered into the place. One word for it..Wild. Don't know whether at Malaysia also the same situation..well ya I haven't been any club before even normal club so don't say about gay bar or club. Don't doubt..I already in legal age to enter any of them. Well..always a good boy infront of people.
Interesting I found was that..gays in Taiwan got categories in gay circle - Monkey, Bear and Wolf. I think is quite similar how we distinguish gays by look at here. See the name you can guess how they categorize them. Each category got few levels too. Obviously, I fall under monkey but not that low level..quite high..lol. Wolf of course is every dream for being that and being with. I guess werewolf is the highest level where everyone will drool for him.. according to them little mustache will be perfect. To me i just want transit young wolf that's all. For bear..erm..you can guess how they look like and surprisingly one of the young wolf in the show love bear..well I can't really judge that since everyone's preference is different.
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| A bit Higher level Monkey..I'm almost there!! |
Tuesday, 2 October 2012
Misunderstanding about Gay Part 1
Today, I watched two Taiwan variety shows that talk about homosexuality. It's interesting know that both have showed different aspects of homosexual life. One showed the serious isssue about coming out with parents and struggling to do so, while another showed the dark side...ermm..rephrase..wild side of gay life. Morevoer, it's interesting to know aobut the gay culture in Taiwan, as I think Taiwan is considered quite open about homosexuality since they can broadcast this issue in public.
Let's me talk the first show, which is here Parents and Gay Child (For those who don't understand Mandarin I feel sorry that you not able to watch it). Basically, the show invited two groups of people- older generation who represent parents, and young generation who represent gay children as they all came out from closet to discuss about the issue of coming out with parents. Too bad not all those gay children's parents willing to come to the show only two and a group older generation to share the thought about the issue.
Those youngters shared their stories of coming out to parents and the stress and pain of it. During the discussion, of course parents said homosexual is abnormal and is mental problem. Luckily, the show also invited two professionals to explain homosexual - 1. Homosexual is not considered mental illness anymore 2. Mostly born like that and may developed during early pregnancy (As scientists still carrying on their work to understand it) 3. After age of 19 or 20 then only can truly identify oneself as homosexual because everyone will have sort of a bit affection toward same sex during adolescense year (This one I think it depends)
Apart from that, they also suggested children should come out earlier to parents as parents also need time adjust and struggle of the fact that their children are homosexual. Other than think homosexual is abnormal, one more thing parents concern about is the reproduction of next generation as it's quite important in Asian culture. That's the reason gay men mostly suffer and feel stress from it and many have forced to marry a woman. In the discussion, those children mostly said that their mothers are more willing accept the sexuality of them compare to fathers. Sadly, in my case I think my mother is the one who totally can't accept it.....sigh
Okay next! One gay man has showed how happy his life are with his family and got married with the bless from his parents even his grandmom!! His grandmom (almost 100 years old) is so open minded as she said "Young people feel happy with it then it's okay" and his mom "As long as my child doesn't murder or hurt anyone, then it's fine". Almost want to cry when see this part T.T
He also pointed out some important things:
-Many parents now are more willing to accept homosexual, but it's another case if it happens on their children
-Gay children's parents should meet some those parents who accepted their chidlren sexuality to listen their stories and feelings throughout the process of acceptance.
-Effective communication is important between children and parents, both need to be genuine to listen each other's thoughts and feelings
Let's me talk the first show, which is here Parents and Gay Child (For those who don't understand Mandarin I feel sorry that you not able to watch it). Basically, the show invited two groups of people- older generation who represent parents, and young generation who represent gay children as they all came out from closet to discuss about the issue of coming out with parents. Too bad not all those gay children's parents willing to come to the show only two and a group older generation to share the thought about the issue.
Those youngters shared their stories of coming out to parents and the stress and pain of it. During the discussion, of course parents said homosexual is abnormal and is mental problem. Luckily, the show also invited two professionals to explain homosexual - 1. Homosexual is not considered mental illness anymore 2. Mostly born like that and may developed during early pregnancy (As scientists still carrying on their work to understand it) 3. After age of 19 or 20 then only can truly identify oneself as homosexual because everyone will have sort of a bit affection toward same sex during adolescense year (This one I think it depends)
Apart from that, they also suggested children should come out earlier to parents as parents also need time adjust and struggle of the fact that their children are homosexual. Other than think homosexual is abnormal, one more thing parents concern about is the reproduction of next generation as it's quite important in Asian culture. That's the reason gay men mostly suffer and feel stress from it and many have forced to marry a woman. In the discussion, those children mostly said that their mothers are more willing accept the sexuality of them compare to fathers. Sadly, in my case I think my mother is the one who totally can't accept it.....sigh
Okay next! One gay man has showed how happy his life are with his family and got married with the bless from his parents even his grandmom!! His grandmom (almost 100 years old) is so open minded as she said "Young people feel happy with it then it's okay" and his mom "As long as my child doesn't murder or hurt anyone, then it's fine". Almost want to cry when see this part T.T
He also pointed out some important things:
-Many parents now are more willing to accept homosexual, but it's another case if it happens on their children
-Gay children's parents should meet some those parents who accepted their chidlren sexuality to listen their stories and feelings throughout the process of acceptance.
-Effective communication is important between children and parents, both need to be genuine to listen each other's thoughts and feelings
Monday, 1 October 2012
New unreachable crush
Recently, I have watched a thai movie "Its gets better" and I'm quite lazy to talk about its synopsis but just got issue of transgender and gay. My main point is the one of the main character- Panupong Waraeaksiri!! He is so good looking and gorgeous!! Totally fell for him when I first time saw him on movie. I can say he is my new crush, but..well he is so unreachable and don't think he is gay or not sure as my gaydar doesn't function well. Don't talk too much let's me show some pictures of him. (Quite hard to find his photo as he still new I think..) Maybe he might not your taste or type but is definitely my type =D Anyways, he will just only appear in my dream..
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=D 
His smile makes me melt xD
Too bad can't see his full body
|
Sunday, 30 September 2012
Damn you!! Loneliness
Everytime when I'm driving at night, there are always a lot thoughts go through my mind. Like imagine what will happen if I got a boyfriend and how I wish I can go to his place to just vent out all my tiredness and lean on his shoulder or any part of the body ; ). Even just imagination I also feel the happiness of it but well I guess I'm not that fast to get a bf or can I say no one want me for my current condition.
Not dare to just donwload Grindr or Jackd to just see whether I'm presentable or wantable in market..haha. Well the loneliness really drive me crazy especially seeing so many lovely gay couples walking around and by the way I met the hot guy that I have been stalking in FB, although quite different from photos but still hot. Not sure the guy with him is friend or bf, yet he is also hot. Hot guy always go with hot guy. Chances for me I think is very lower as no one really say I'm handsome before even my mom only said it once when I took off my glasses. (Seriously, I'm have been more than 14 years don't know how I look without glasses)
I'm keep telling myself to be rational because don't just simply find someone due to loneliness. In the end, it might hurt each other. That's why I going through transition (settle my skin problem and my skinny body) and preparing to really enter the gay world. Until now I still worry and paranoid a lot because scare my family and friends will find out, that pull me backward. Hence, my relationship experience is totally zero so don't even talk about sex. I also not surprise people around me don't really suspect me being gay because never have girlfriend since I'm quite nerdy and homebody to them.
Luckily, I can blog about all this thought and feelings out and like I said before I blog just to make myself feel better don't mind no one read it. I also can comment on my favourite blogs to give me sort of spiritual support that I'm not really lonely. I'm glad I accepted who I am even though it's quite late compare to others.
Not dare to just donwload Grindr or Jackd to just see whether I'm presentable or wantable in market..haha. Well the loneliness really drive me crazy especially seeing so many lovely gay couples walking around and by the way I met the hot guy that I have been stalking in FB, although quite different from photos but still hot. Not sure the guy with him is friend or bf, yet he is also hot. Hot guy always go with hot guy. Chances for me I think is very lower as no one really say I'm handsome before even my mom only said it once when I took off my glasses. (Seriously, I'm have been more than 14 years don't know how I look without glasses)
I'm keep telling myself to be rational because don't just simply find someone due to loneliness. In the end, it might hurt each other. That's why I going through transition (settle my skin problem and my skinny body) and preparing to really enter the gay world. Until now I still worry and paranoid a lot because scare my family and friends will find out, that pull me backward. Hence, my relationship experience is totally zero so don't even talk about sex. I also not surprise people around me don't really suspect me being gay because never have girlfriend since I'm quite nerdy and homebody to them.
Luckily, I can blog about all this thought and feelings out and like I said before I blog just to make myself feel better don't mind no one read it. I also can comment on my favourite blogs to give me sort of spiritual support that I'm not really lonely. I'm glad I accepted who I am even though it's quite late compare to others.
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